I turned 50 this year. My body is tired. I grieve for the could-have-beens, the should-have-beens. I am disappointed by what I’ve learned about people I loved and respected.

But the exhaustion, grief and disappointment are invitations that I’ve been accepting again and again.

To attend a new party, to gather a new people, to do what brings me joy though it may appear illogical or a waste to others.

And I am learning how much I did not understand about myself and my place in the world. I am learning that I love learning new things and new people. I love learning what I didn’t know before.

I am learning ….

• how necessary good counseling is to mental health

• new insights into my life partner

• how to play with my young adult kids

• how important it is to spend time with friends who like and respect me

• what resurrection really means

• that I really do need to read and write and walk every day

• that I am not weak because I have an autoimmune disorder and I don’t need to apologize or hide for my choices related to that condition

• that I am smart and capable of making good decisions in hard circumstances

• And I love recording what brings me life on my little blog. No one needs to read it but me. I am enough.

So I turned 50 this year, and I feel so thankful for this body that has carried so much, I am thankful for the grief that propels me to write a different story and I am thankful for the disappointment that forces me to build more life-giving relationships.